Sta.sh
Sacrifice
I stepped inside the flame!
Hoping to be forgiven for what I became!
-
Have I no shame?
Have I no guilt?
There's no such thing as blame
For all of the wrongs I've been dealt
Point the finger
Only at the world
Watch you band together
And witness you antagonize another
Innocent souls
Wrapped inside of society's shadows
And little did they know
They were only born to be scapegoats
That's the harsh way to say it
It's only because the truth is filled with hatred
Bystanders just turn a blind eye
As they feed their relief with made up lies
That's all they know how to do
They're too afraid of being dragged down with you
They know what's right
But it's clouded by discriminative eyes
We're only given the gift of a last glance
A half a second of pity slips through our hands
It's all we will get
A taste of sour condolences
There's no real sympathy for the puppets
The strings are now cut as we are forsaken
I am part of a sinful massacre
It's also known as a saint's murder
-
God, you have given me this life!
But I was just your children's sacrifice!
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wow - scares the hell out of me
that is the life i've lived - so far
excellent concept and literary piece
First, I'm curious about the rhyme scheme. I'm not sure if the breaks in the rhyming are there deliberately and I couldn't figure out why. Like in "finger" then "world" and further down "get" and "condolences". It'd be great to understand the reasoning or depth behind that.
You also change the pronoun from the 3rd stanza onward. It switches from first person and then from the 15th and 16th stanza, you switch back to I. Is it a progression from "I" to "you" to "they" to "we"? Namely the expansion and involvement of yourself in the accusation?
Furthermore, the form or object of "you" seems to change. "Watch you band together and witness you antagonize another" in contrast to "they are too afraid of being brought down by you". The "you" early on seems to be the antagonist, cowardly and negative whereas the "you" later on is courageous and seems to be a protagonist. Is it a deliberate change? Is there meant to be a divide? Or is it a generic reference to a collective? Or is it a change in perspective? I'm a little confused there.
Perhaps it's a matter of style but it could be cleaner and more concise, fewer words and articles. For example "wrapped inside of society's shadows", you could drop the "of" because it doesn't serve much purpose.
Finally, there seems to be this overwhelming trend (especially on DA) to not use punctuation when writing poetry. And I really don't know why. Am I missing something?
As far as content goes, there is a degree of melodrama but it is controlled as well, which I like
I'd be really interested to see the reasoning behind it
1. There is a lot of personal, real life events that influenced the rhyme scheme. I mentioned this before. This type of poetry I started doing is what I like to call my improv poetry. It's all written in one shot, and finished pretty quickly. So what I was most concentrated on was getting the "emotions" out, and less worried about if it rhymed properly. That's my reason for why the rhyme scheme is a bit off.
Again, there is no real good answer I can give you that might make sense. It's just that this is all improv and sometimes it's not that smooth as others. There's no reason for every little thing that's contained in this poem. The stuff you're wondering about is there because it seemed to fit at that moment in time. I'm not wanting to sound defensive, but that's the only way I can truly put it right now.
This overwhelming trend seems to bother you, mildly. I can see that and I get where you're coming from, but I can't speak for everyone who doesn't use punctuation in poetry. My reason is-is that this is free verse....so yeah...
I wanted to see what you thought of it, but through out your comment you kept stating that you were confused, which probably lead to this type of questionnaire-type critique.